Have you ever really loved someone so much that you settled for being friends just to keep them in your life?
I did and sometimes it doesn’t feel good. You have to brace yourself for that kind of pain permanently. It’s been a couple months since I accepted again a friend/ special someone/ almost lover or whatever on my social media account and it’s so good to know that he’s still into “kamustahan convo”. I thought I won’t buy it but it’s been years since the last time we talked so I gave it a chance and ended up being broken again. I don’t know why there’s still so much of me that hopes nothing but just a beautiful friendship with him and what I realized is that we won’t ever have it because yes, maybe I’m still not over with some of our past.
Every time I hear that Katy Perry song I always ended up thinking about the good times with you though for me you are exactly the title of that song. They say people come and go and I think you’re doing it in my life repeatedly. Why? Why still sending messages like you really care? Why is it for so many times your name is on the list for me check on my messenger? Why still making me feel it’s okay and pretend like nothing really happened? And if you are truly happy now, why are you still here? Why still trying to connect with me? Why? What on Earth that people keep on crashing things that’s already broken and worst they’re the reasons?
I’ve been to a point of my life where I think I am one of those women that have bad luck with men because I always tend to meet and link with older or younger men but never had someone same with my age and ended up in a bad relationships (few not many). I figured out I got this omen for sure. Soon I wonder why? Why it’s been a cycle with these kinds of relationships. 6 years ago I just had a tragic love story ending where I lost my boyfriend from cancer. I was so devastated, a couple of years after that I was still mourning and then I took a time from the world and started discovering what I could’ve love about myself than just to see my worth from these men that I thought would love me unconditionally. I think about everything that had happened and the worst I was almost at my quarter life crisis at the same time. Sometimes you just gonna question yourself with the things that wasn’t really part of your plan. And then next you question God for letting things go that way, such a bad system for people having real hard time in life. But y’all know it’s so true. We just can’t keep it clean. At the middle of that moment, one of the questions that popped up into my head was “Is there any one with our batch mates that are still singles?” “Is there still someone out there that I know personally same with my age that is free from any kind of relationship? But of course I know there would be none because most of them are actually have families already. And then after clearing up my mind from these entire things, strangely I was reconnected with someone I know back in grade school days. Someone I shared a few sleepless nights just talking about everything in life and led to some nonsense nights. I know it wasn’t a kind of relationship that I would want to consider but I gave it a try. Months after that I got tired and move on again, I think it’s never really a bad thing to get know the people you meet even you thought you knew them well. You may have disappointments but it’s always better than a premature pain for sure. After that I got a message from one of my classmates again in grade school and decided to hang out for some times while he was here for a vacation week. Never thought in 15 years I would end up seeing again my long time crush since we were a kid and sadly would consider him as my “TOTGA” for life.
Hey! You are one of the reasons why I still believe that everything is worth the wait. That everything has its own perfect right time and these things that your heart desires will fit into your life eventually. It will definitely find you, especially love. You are one of the few people that I would want to reminisce happy moments with because we may not have so much of that but for me it was the happiest one. I got to see you again after so many years but still nothing’s changed. It’s still you that made me wonder how you managed to be the same person I fell for even at our young age. There were actually some character of you that surprised me but your goodness took away of it dominantly. Time changes people and so are we, but the more I get to know these changes in you the more I miss this whole of you constantly. I was happy then and I was at peace knowing that you are right by my side and we are just a matter of catching eyes with every move we take. I’m happy to be with you even without any conversations, even just watching you with your drinking buddies all night long, even just waiting for you to cook something to eat and even just listening with all the stories you missed with your friends. I can’t believe that certain short period of time you let me melt with you. Maybe I am really that into you, your friends are right. But I just had to be so in denial about it, because I am so overwhelmed with these feelings for you, it even scares me so much. Though it’s not reciprocated enough but making me feel comfortable when you are around is a different story. I want you to know that I’ve loved you since the day I’ve known you as the shy little boy at the corner of our classroom back in grade school. I think the good thing about childhood memories is that we are holding them not just because it’s from the past but it strengthens the leaf of fate of what’s meant for us in the future. They are gems in our minds. It amazes me that until now my heart knows you regardless of the distance that we have. –
I will never forget those days. Gadd it really makes me smile every time I remember you, I remember us. That moment that we just can’t keep ourselves apart, morning to another morning and it was just completely happy. I swear I would always want to see you if there’d be another chance. Thank you for making me feel simply being ok and for reminding me that I still have the guts to do my dreams. Thank you for being you. I miss you. Thank you for letting me feel somehow loved without disregarding limitations. This is still me, up to this writing I never felt so sure about you until our last conversation. I hope you can consider an honest feeling not just for me but even to yourself, I may never know whatever that you have in your mind and in your heart but all I know is that I’ve waited for you, until someone made me realized that waiting is even harder than it seems. At some point, I found myself trying to tell the world that I am caught in the middle. Like you know what your heart wants and your mind too. My heart is beating for the past and my mind is thinking for the present but present is what we have in the reality. And you know what I chose. Honestly I made my choice because I don’t have you anymore and I wasn’t holding anything from you to consider for that kind of waiting game, I know you knew it all along and that made me wonder if you ever regret leaving me without any words to hold on to. I guess not.
I’m sorry I quickly faded when I opted this journey with someone close to you, I never saw it coming but thinking about everything that happened made me realized that it is really what’s meant to be and what I have right now is somehow tells me that you are part of the process that leads me to this exact place where I belong. 2017 was a whole roller coaster ride and it gives me those bittersweet memories every time it crosses my mind. I’m sorry that I stopped waiting, but I never stop wondering if you will ever come back not for any kind of vacation but just simply for me. There were certain times that I forgot about you, but the person himself that I chose to be with is a constant reminder of you. He even ask me a question that if you ever comes back for me, who is it that I’m going to choose? I simply answered him I don’t know, because I’m not yet at that exact moment and maybe if that day finally comes I definitely would know. Look, I don’t know what you are thinking about this letter but it doesn’t matter to me now. I want you to know that few years ago after I let go of that person, my mind is already in sync with my heart and too bad it’s too late for everything now. Your marriage says it all. Thanks to our common friends. I’m truly happy for you. What exactly surprised me is that it never hurts. I’m just truly happy that you had the right choice and you live your life with the present. Perhaps we had the same perception with this whole thing. Living life one day at a time and always choose the present because this is where we are at the moment. –
I will never regret having you at some pages of my life. If it wasn’t because of you I wouldn’t understand the magical feeling of being a mom to my precious son. Thank you for that one summer time of your visit that aligned my fate to meet your best friend, the father of my son. Whatever happened between us, you know that I will always be that girl you used to know. I know that our recent conversation might be the last but it actually woke me up from the reality that it’s still you, it’s always been you since then on. I just don’t know why there’s this kind of pain knowing that you are happy now, a part of my heart broke. A part of me cried. More than the pain that I had when I decided to let go of that person because we eventually opted to have separate lives and more than everything that my heart suffered from him, our last conversation made me realized that I NEVER loved him anyway. Because of what I felt, I figured out I can’t even defined what kind of feelings I had for him because of you. Maybe love or maybe not at all. This time around I am definitely sure about being caught between my mind and my heart, that our mind will always sets us for everything that our life will value whole heartedly and at the end of the day it’s our beautiful heart that lets us feel everything, it’s the thing that made us feel alive. Always root for what your hearts says, it may not always right but you can always, always make it right. Still grateful in any kind of way that we’ve crossed our paths again to make one of my prayers come to life. Godspeed with love.
Wander2wonder.
Painting in this photo: Art piece from PINTO ART MUSEUM
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